Saturday, August 28, 2010

Mas locura de Cozumel

Looking seyksee at la boda

So much excitement before I even stepped foot on the airplane--who could imagine the fiesta that was about to happen in Mexico?  Viva tequila gratis!  We stayed at an all-inclusive resort (pimpin' ain't easy), but to my surprise, there seemed to be more families and couples.  I guess the younger crowd used the hard earned cash they made donating plasma and returning stolen textbooks to stay at the lavish resorts in nearby Cancun.

But who needs youngsters when you're at a resort full of hotel workers who act like the only woman they have seen in years is Consuela with the faint mustache and the hairy mole on her chin?

Enter Juan.  Or Julio.  Damnit, I can't remember.  Let's call him Javier.  We all know what happens to chocolate in the sun, but I decided to take a risk and join my girlfriend and her fiancee (who happens to be Mexican) at the pool.  They were chatting with a few of the workers when I got down there--one had lovely blonde highlights in his hair and shorts so tight I wondered if he'd be able to conceive children, and the other was Javier, in all of his glory.  When he saw me his jaw dropped like it was hot.  I wasn't impressed, but I was still muy simpatica.

I made some lame jokes in Spanish to him, because I can do that.  Then I chatted with my girlfriend as he chatted with her fiancee.  She later told me that he was saying that I was the woman of his dreams and was hoping they'd set me up with him.  Initially she thought I should give him a chance, but I wasn't feeling the chipotle/beef patty action.

Fast forward, the three of us were at la piscina again, and within a few minutes Javier comes strolling along.  First, he started talking about me in Spanish to the blanquita like I couldn't understand him.  He then said to me, "You go to Senor Frog's tonight?"  "I don't know,"  I told him.  "We go to Senor Frog's and dance seyksee," he said.  I think he thought we were having a seyksee double date.  In spanish, I told him I couldn't go, because I had a fake leg and I got really embarrassed when it slipped off when I was dancing.  He chuckled at first, but then stopped, because he couldn't tell if I was joking or not.  Ay dios mio!

He figured it out soon enough.  Like a caveman, he grunted and pointed to my bellybutton ring.  "Ju got dat?  Dat is seyksee."  He continued to my toe ring.  "Dat too is seyksee."  Good thing I covered up the ash.  The next comment came as very unexpected though.  Javier moved his gaze ever so slightly to my mammary glands.  He points at them and says, "Ju those real?  Ahhhh, mucho grande!"

Now there's a myriad of reactions I could have had, such as kick him in the huevos, or to teach him that saying "mucho grande" isn't grammatically correct (you would think the native Mexican would know Spanish than the gringa Jamaican).  But I was speechless.  We all were.  Javier then went along his merry way, and I prayed I didn't see him for the rest of my trip.

But in the end, I was able to see a good friend get married, and I picked up my new bundle of joy during      my layover in Houston.  I wonder if Javier ended up going to Senor Frogs.  So seyksee!

Baby Ruffstable

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