Saturday, August 28, 2010

Mas locura de Cozumel

Looking seyksee at la boda

So much excitement before I even stepped foot on the airplane--who could imagine the fiesta that was about to happen in Mexico?  Viva tequila gratis!  We stayed at an all-inclusive resort (pimpin' ain't easy), but to my surprise, there seemed to be more families and couples.  I guess the younger crowd used the hard earned cash they made donating plasma and returning stolen textbooks to stay at the lavish resorts in nearby Cancun.

But who needs youngsters when you're at a resort full of hotel workers who act like the only woman they have seen in years is Consuela with the faint mustache and the hairy mole on her chin?

Enter Juan.  Or Julio.  Damnit, I can't remember.  Let's call him Javier.  We all know what happens to chocolate in the sun, but I decided to take a risk and join my girlfriend and her fiancee (who happens to be Mexican) at the pool.  They were chatting with a few of the workers when I got down there--one had lovely blonde highlights in his hair and shorts so tight I wondered if he'd be able to conceive children, and the other was Javier, in all of his glory.  When he saw me his jaw dropped like it was hot.  I wasn't impressed, but I was still muy simpatica.

I made some lame jokes in Spanish to him, because I can do that.  Then I chatted with my girlfriend as he chatted with her fiancee.  She later told me that he was saying that I was the woman of his dreams and was hoping they'd set me up with him.  Initially she thought I should give him a chance, but I wasn't feeling the chipotle/beef patty action.

Fast forward, the three of us were at la piscina again, and within a few minutes Javier comes strolling along.  First, he started talking about me in Spanish to the blanquita like I couldn't understand him.  He then said to me, "You go to Senor Frog's tonight?"  "I don't know,"  I told him.  "We go to Senor Frog's and dance seyksee," he said.  I think he thought we were having a seyksee double date.  In spanish, I told him I couldn't go, because I had a fake leg and I got really embarrassed when it slipped off when I was dancing.  He chuckled at first, but then stopped, because he couldn't tell if I was joking or not.  Ay dios mio!

He figured it out soon enough.  Like a caveman, he grunted and pointed to my bellybutton ring.  "Ju got dat?  Dat is seyksee."  He continued to my toe ring.  "Dat too is seyksee."  Good thing I covered up the ash.  The next comment came as very unexpected though.  Javier moved his gaze ever so slightly to my mammary glands.  He points at them and says, "Ju those real?  Ahhhh, mucho grande!"

Now there's a myriad of reactions I could have had, such as kick him in the huevos, or to teach him that saying "mucho grande" isn't grammatically correct (you would think the native Mexican would know Spanish than the gringa Jamaican).  But I was speechless.  We all were.  Javier then went along his merry way, and I prayed I didn't see him for the rest of my trip.

But in the end, I was able to see a good friend get married, and I picked up my new bundle of joy during      my layover in Houston.  I wonder if Javier ended up going to Senor Frogs.  So seyksee!

Baby Ruffstable

Flashback--Cozumel 2010

Wyndam Resort in Cozumel
Ahhh, weddings.  Destination weddings.  In Cozumel.  How bad could that be?

In February, I was lucky enough to be able to attend my good friend Karin's wedding in Mexico.  I was excited, but had to get to the airport by 6 am for my flight.  I was also excited because on the way back I was going to pick up my new puppy Theo Ruffstable the 1st.  Now everybody knows the rule stating you should not hit on a person before 8 am, so I went to sit down to peacefully read my Puppies for Dummies book.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a big, burly, furry figure striding towards me.  He sat down next to me, but I thought nothing of it.  I continued reading, but paused when the big bear asked me "Are you doing homework?"  Now, even though black don't crack, do you really think a high school girl would be in the airport at the but crack of dawn reading Puppies for Dummies?  Can high schoolers even read?  I thought all they did was "conversate."  As I go to respond to him, I had to keep myself from bursting out laughing.  He's about 250 pounds, and wearing an enormous fur coat, fur hat, Timberlands, and and Sean Jean glasses--with the sticker still on them.

So "Big Lite", as he called himself, began to talk about his dog.  I didn't care.  He then told me that he had radio show in MANHATTAN (because people from Brooklyn aren't classy enough to go there) and that I should come be on his show because he has CELEBRITIES on there.  Big names I'm sure, like the Naked Cowboy, William Hung, Billy Ocean, maybe even Dylan from Making Da Band.

As Big Lite is talking to me, I notice something--he is sweating.  Profusely.  And mopping himself up with a tissue that is barely holding up.  Time to take off the chinchilla homie.  Of course, he asked if I was taken, and of course, I told him yes, to which he replied "You never know what fate may bring..."  And that was the end of Big Lite's interaction with me.

If I were Big Lite, I would ask fate to bring my big ass a sweat rag and a pocket fan.

Facebook kills your playa skillz

Signs that you are not so slick:  A certain female runs into a certain male that she hasn't seen for a few years.  The male tells the female that he has lost her number.  Female gives male the number, but can tell he doesn't remember her name (even though she knows his).  Male says they should hang out because they are now neighbors.  Female could care less if they hung out or not, but considered the possibility that he could pet sit for her.

Two days later, female is walking her dog and sees male, but he doesn't see her because he's busy talking to another female.  Male texts female and she calls him out on it, and he denies it because "He doesn't pick up females on the street."

Male texts female a few more times, but female ignores him.  Males then texts female saying "What's up Nicole?"  to which female replies "This is Toya."  Male then responds "I had you saved as Toya.  My bad.  What are you doing today?"

Female refrains from punching herself in the face and decides to again ignore the male.  But she felt the need to prove male's stupidity.  Since female had more than two brain cells that weren't fighting each other (the same could not be the same for the male)  she decided to look up the male on the wonderful web portal Facebook.  Lo and behold, there was the male!  With a status reading "in a relationship."  With a myriad of pictures of himself and his lovely girlfriend.

So the moral of the story is, female is way smarter than you, and will always figure you out.  Now run and tell dat homeboy.