Sorry to keep everyone waiting. I was on a brief hiatus due to a run in with the C. Mafia. Other than that, I've had a few one-liners here and there, but none as noteworthy as today. Here goes....
Guy: Hey sexy! Excuse me, what kind of dog is that?
Me: A maltipoo.
Guy: Oh yeah, I got one of those. (Really, then why are you asking fool?) Is it a girl?
Me: No.
Guy: Is it a boy? (Hmmmm, it's a little iffy. The "hermaphrodite" box was checked off when I got him.)
Me: Yes. (Take note, I haven't stopped walking yet).
Guy: Yo I got a girl. We should mate them.
Maybe that guy's parents shouldn't have mated. Goodnight folks.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Lame ass line of the day
"If you were my teacher, I doubt I'd learn anything but your measurements."
Really?
Really?
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
How to ruin an already bad day
Today was the official first day of school. I wasn't able to find a sugar daddy, so I was forced to go in. It was very difficult to fall asleep, but when I finally did, in those few hours, I had a dream that I was on a date with Sam Merlotte from True Blood. Could he be the one to fulfill my saccharin dreams?
No. It was a mirage. How did I know? Because I awoke to a dog making Tourette's like twitches at 5:30 am. Damn.
So I got to work, saw the old students, met the new students, and was overwhelmed by various things. When I finally got a break--well not really, because I was in my office looking for something that I needed to work on, a uniformed officer walked in. At first, he looked around like he was looking for something in the ceiling, but then he introduced himself to me. He told me that he was the new head of security at the school. After I introduced myself, he said to me, "You look good. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?"
Being the bitch that I am (it must be the haircut) I simply told him no. He happily retorted "Ok, maybe next time!" and walked out.
Watching him leave, I wondered if he really was the head of security, or if he had bought the shirt and badge at Party City.
Fifteen minutes later, he came back to my doorway and said "I'm still going to get you a 12 pack from White Castle." Now, I don't ever eat at that hell hole, but I used to live near one and I distinctly remember that it reeked of onions and skunk. I had no idea what a White Castle 12 pack was, so I was confused as to why a security officer in an elementary school was offering me beer. I asked him what it was, and he explained it to me. I told him I would never eat that, so he said he'd buy me a lobster instead, then walked away.
If I could only be a shape shifter....
No. It was a mirage. How did I know? Because I awoke to a dog making Tourette's like twitches at 5:30 am. Damn.
So I got to work, saw the old students, met the new students, and was overwhelmed by various things. When I finally got a break--well not really, because I was in my office looking for something that I needed to work on, a uniformed officer walked in. At first, he looked around like he was looking for something in the ceiling, but then he introduced himself to me. He told me that he was the new head of security at the school. After I introduced myself, he said to me, "You look good. Can I take you out to dinner sometime?"
Being the bitch that I am (it must be the haircut) I simply told him no. He happily retorted "Ok, maybe next time!" and walked out.
Watching him leave, I wondered if he really was the head of security, or if he had bought the shirt and badge at Party City.
Fifteen minutes later, he came back to my doorway and said "I'm still going to get you a 12 pack from White Castle." Now, I don't ever eat at that hell hole, but I used to live near one and I distinctly remember that it reeked of onions and skunk. I had no idea what a White Castle 12 pack was, so I was confused as to why a security officer in an elementary school was offering me beer. I asked him what it was, and he explained it to me. I told him I would never eat that, so he said he'd buy me a lobster instead, then walked away.
If I could only be a shape shifter....
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